In tribute to the fact that today is officially the most depressing of the year, we proudly present the five things you’re really better off not considering while being rained on, trapped on a tube which is obeying “The Rule” –apparently a reference to not moving – or sitting at your desk feeling the cold from your feet slowly infect the joints of your knees.
5. The universe is “one billionth part matter to one billion parts velvet nothingness”. Given the amount of matter it takes up to make up your what you laughingly imagine to be a meaningful existence, imagine how much else there is(n’t) out there, frankly entirely fucking indifferent as to whether that gobshite in the office spoilt the episode of “Hunter” you Sky Plus-ed last night, or, by extension, whether you live, die, achieve happiness, or are wiped out in a freak time-travelling incident by some similarly indifferent future chrononaut which means you never existed in the first place. This is, of course, sophomoric pseudo-nihilistic posturing of the worst kind: welcome to the universe.
4. I once spoke to a man who fell out of a plane. He actually is the guy for whom The Chute Didn’t Open. His key take-out from the experience was this: You know when doctors tell you people don’t feel the impact? That they go into shock or die from a heart-attack or lose consciousness? That they, in short, fail to experience fully the nightmare of a collision at terminal velocity, preceded as it must be by the even more terrifying Approaching Prospect Of A Collision At Terminal Velocity ? It’s bollocks. And that shit goes on all the time.
3. People actually tell each other “There’s always someone worse off than you” to cheer each other up.
2. That girl you used to go out with is actually, y’know, really happy. Even though he hasn’t got as good a job as you. In fact, that’s better, because he’ll be able to spend more time with the kids, when they decide the time is right. Someone had to tell you, dude.
1. Today is being referred to as “Blue Monday”, which is a very good song by New Order. New Order rose from the ashes of a spectacularly depressing band, reforming themselves into a fairly depressing band with good beats. Neither of these bands, nor the song Blue Monday, nor your life, can in any way manage to live up to the spectacularly baroque misery of the song Gloomy Sunday by Laszlo Javor and Reszo Seress.
Aside from having the privilege of being the Billie Holiday song people find more depressing than Strange Fruit, the song has a cornucopia of depressing urban mythology attached to it, of which the most upbeat example is the story, related in Thomas Keneally’s brilliant Schindler’s Ark, of a band of inmate musicians playing at a Nazi function in a concentration camp, who repeatedly play the song until one of the officers present retires to the balcony to place a Luger bullet into his brain. You see, you can’t even do miserable properly. Have a look at yourself, will you?
Here’s a picture of a kitten and a sunrise.